Ellie goes down for nap; allows for one margarita, one recap
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Let's do this.
Robert Emerton courageously covers Wego, wins back-to-back Slates
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Earlier this spring, Eric Emerton flew all the way out to California to get the Slate from Mike Godsey so that he could give it to his Dad. This spring, Robert isn't quite ready for a visit from Chicago. With a 5-point lead, The Godfather eshewed the easy Green Bay pick and (depending on who you talk to) courageously/crazily/intelligently/naturally picked Pitt for 3, covering up Wego's courageous/crazy/natural pick of Pitt 4, and virtually won the FunkyBowl at kickoff. If you asked Wego, he said "the man has big stones," and conceded the title like a gentleman, grieving only that he missed a Thursday game earlier in the season, which might have cost him...well, immortality.
For Mr. Emerton, it is not simply his second straight title, it is his stunning 7th straight finish in the Final Four. Frankly, such dominance is unheard of in any league, in any sport, on any planet. As with any dynasty, the haters exist: RE picks awfully close to the Vegas line, which mathematically ensures an advantage over the long run; but on the other hand, every poolster knows the rules, and every poolster had the opportunity to be as smart as our champion. And they didn't. We have not the time, nor desire, to delve into this debate at this time. All we can say is congratulations: You beat us silly.
Likewise, as for the actual FunkyBowl, whether Robert picked the Steelers incorrectly and got lucky, or whether he picked what Wego would pick and was super-smart/ballsy, is something for Dilfer and Gruden to yell at each other about. We don't sweat about it because we'll never know. He's the man, that's what we know. And he retains the belt.
FunkO2011:The Renaissance (and 200 cheeseburgers) brings big names to SLO
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It all started when KenDog said that Godsey couldn't hit a near-impossible shot with a nerf basketball into a tiny upturned lamp. With Wyatt lazily rebounding, the two of them had been trying for about an hour in front of Dr. Katz or some other TV show. But when Ken walked in and offered 100 cheeseburgers if he could make it in 5 shots, he made it in 3. Then, over the years, Godsey and Franzen clobbered Ken and Zack in 2-on-2 basketball on an annual basis, and the cheeseburger total hit a high of about 103 or 104. But cheeseburgers were also eaten, taking the total back to a solid hundy.
Then, in late 2010, Franzen somehow used Godsey's 100 cheeseburgers to bet that he would attend the gym 6 times a week, all the way to FunkO2011. Double or nothing. After sending e-photos of verification for several weeks, Franzen won the bet, and demanded his 200 cheeseburgers all at once. The entire exhibition, plus a few posts on the SmackPage, were enough to get SIX actual former FunkyDomers (Ken, Jen, Money, Godsey, Franzen, and Sabbe) to Shell Beach to watch the Super Bowl with a couple of generations of Sabbes, Retseks, and Godseys.
Friday night featured sushi and Japanese food (thanks to Zack) and a fabulous poker game, where Godsey drunkenly cleaned up, Zack profited, Franzen continually sat in the wrong seat (while drinking King Cobra), and Sabbe lost half his profit bluffing into Godsey's stone-cold nuts. Sabbe also chose to drink Mike's Hard Lemonade over an $8 raspberry beverage, because the latter, while tasting like sweet nectar, was labeled a beer.
Saturday morning featured an relatively epic hoop-gathering featuring the aforementioned FunkyDomers, plus Wyatt, Pia, Eric Jenssen, Zack, and KathyWathy and Parker (in the stands). Along with a couple of SLO locals, it added up to 3 great games of 5-on-5 (with a sub on each side). Ultimately, the team of Money, Zack, Franzen, Pia, Eric Jenssen, and Godsey won two out of three games. The big loser was actually Godsey, who has put on 25-30 pounds since "he and Melissa became pregnant" and needed to sub out roughly 25 times in three games. (They were long games.)
Saturday day featured naps.
Saturday night featured poker at Money's (winners/losers have not been announced), and UFC fights at Godsey's place. The fights were pretty much just a vehicle for pizza, beer, and camaraderie, with the exception of Anderson Silva's KO with a straight kick to the chin, which shocked the entire living room. Reiteration: He kicked *straight* (like an old-school football kicker) up into the chin (I couldn't get my foot over a dude's belt) of a professional fighter and KNOCKED HIM COLD. As Zack pointed out, it partly worked because the other pro (veteran) fighter didn't know that was possible. We didn't either; we do now.
Sunday included comedy on TV (thanks to Franzen), chillin' on the porch, the actual Super Bowl, and of course the main event: 200 cheeseburgers. After several plans were hatched, contemplated, and laughed upon (including advertising free cheeseburgers on Craig's List), Franzen ultimately conceded that wasting 200 cheeseburgers was a waste. So Ken and the gang left and came back with 50 double cheeseburgers, leaving 100 patties still on the tab while still covering Godsey's living room "table." Apparently, they tried to haggle fpr a better price, but apparently you can't haggle at McDonald's, at least not the ones in America. And evidently they can make 50 double-cheeseburgers in 12 minutes. Nasty. Feeling like Sabbe with a beer, Godsey ate half of his cheeseburger before gagging and quitting. Franzen ate about 8, washed down with King Cobra.
The only letdown of the day was the actual FunkyBowl, which was basically over at kickoff. Godsey (the "controversy liaison") suggested that they should let the front-runner make his pick first, thus negating the possibility of ending the FunkyBowl before it starts, but this was shrugged off by two FunkyDomers before being called the "dumbest idea ever" by another one. There was exactly one moment of excitement when Pitt completed the two-point conversion, which suddenly opened up the possibilities of a Pitt 4 SuperPick, but the Packers almost immediately took care of that.
Balancing that letdown was the unexpected joy that came from a halftime game of 2-on-2 football. Franzen and Godsey dominated Chestnut Way in 2-on-2 football when they were in the 3rd grade. Also 4th-5th grade. Franzen was Dan Fouts (the quarterback), and Godsey only had two routes: the "out," and the "out-and-up." So in a bit of a reunion, they challenged Zack and Ken (otherwise known as the Washington Generals) to a short one-possession game. Godsey started with an out for a nice gain, but it was the subsequent out-and-up that separated KenDog's feet from his shoes. Franzen could have lobbed it, thrown it short, whatever, but with Ellie Bean watching her father be athletic in any way for the first time of her sweet little precious life, Franzen threw a long, lofting spiral which demanded a full sprint from Godsey (Charlie Joiner) on his sore, sore legs and knees and ankles and groins, a perfect spiral that landed right on his fingertips for what was the eventual game-winning TD. Both Franzen and Godsey oddly admitted this may have been the highlight of the weekend. Sweet, sweet memories of Chestnut Way.
Plus, of course, the Super Bowl kicked ass. The vibe was a little different this year due to the spectators involved. Obviously, what I mean to say is that Mike "The Mouth" McKean was not sitting spread-legged in Godsey's seat while Godsey sat on the floor, behind somebody. Also, the room was full of kids and fathers and mothers. Finn and Jonah played with and fought over whatever the other dude thought was interesting, while Sloan and Ellie Bean remained aloof as long as attention was paid to the proper princess. While we can't speak for the other parents, this father can attest to enjoying about 1/3 of the plays he and Ellie Bean saw during the Raider-Bronco game from 17 weeks ago. But it still ruled.
It also offers hope for a bigger, badder FunkO2012. There's no reason all the attendees won't be back, and why not add a few more?
Well, actually, there's a couple reasons. One, the NFL might collectively decide they're not all making enough money (at 2.3 million dollars a commerical). Two, the FMNFLP looks to be dramatically changing its shape and attendance. See below.
FMNFLP to dramatically change its shape and participation
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It's difficult to write about this without seeming to undercut Robert Emerton's dominance. So to reiterate: The rules were clear to all; RE loves his NFL and does not need to lean on Vegas spreads; The Godfather rules us all in a very clear way.
But: Just as clear as RE's dominance is the fact that if you want part of the Slate, you need to keep your weekly picks very conservative. This has been shown year after year. Bill Ellis got a little squirrely with the Pack, but when the Pack was undervalued, he crushed. Godsey won 5 weeklies during a frisky season, but God (and the late Auntie Kay) were on his side, and wanted to see JLee kiss his bare ass. Otherwise, it's been shown that the guy who says that a coin will land on heads about 50% of the time will win in the long run. The code has been cracked, and until the weekly prize is as important as the Slate, most poolsters will ride the Vegas line from here on, or suffer the consequences.
Next year, it appears that the Vegas line will even things out. Poolsters will choose about 7 games of their choosing, and rank them accordingly, but it will be using the Vegas line. This means several things: 1. You can't pick the favorite most/all the time, because with the point spread, both teams are equal; 2. Likewise, the guy in first place can't hide by picking conservatively since it's impossible to pick conservatively (and if you start the season slow, you have plenty of time to catch up); 3. People can pick and boast about their favorite team without feeling compelled to make a stupid pick (you can pick your favorite team and rank them highest and not have any particular advantage or disadvantage); 4. You can put the highest confidence points in the Thanksgiving games, for example, without making a single stupid pick; 5. Since the games are all roughly 50/50 shots, you don't need to know anything about football. On the other hand, if you think you can "beat the spread," then you can study all week and "prove" you know more than the average fan. One season, professional columnist Bill "Sports Guy" Simmons was the man and almost won a $20,000 pool built like this one; in another season, his wife beat him by about 30 games. In short, there are no stupid picks, only fun ones. And Team Pride and Smack Talk should make a big comeback.
On the darker side, it looks like the FMNFLP is about to lose a significant chunk of tradition. One original FunkyDomer lamented that he "just wanted the FunkyPool to go on, like it is, through my whole life and through several generations." We too, here at the Weakly Update, get a little misty-eyed when we remember the days when we'd wake up on a Sunday, write our picks on a piece of paper, and then spend the day shouting random things like "JACKSONVILLE PRIDE! I TOLD YOU BITCHES!" Our special Controversy Correspondent reports, however, that a combination of factors (the lack of Team Pride; the dilution of the pool and the corresponding difficulty of winning the weekly; the general apathy regarding who won the week, the POW, or the COW; and the loss of creative smack-talkers and the decrease of smack talk in general) made the Slate the only real priority, and the pool got smart enough to realize that your picks had to be very solid and conservative or you might be eliminated in Week 4.
More to the point, we might lose some old school FunkyPoolsters, and that's going to be very sad. Also, we're going to lose some tradition, and some records will become literally archaic, and that's sad also. The fact is, though, the pool was going to lose at least 5 old-school poolsters (out of 8 poolsters polled) if the rules stayed the same. In any case, the pool was due to evolve.
All this of course, is assuming there is an NFL season. "If there's no season," Melissa Godsey said, "maybe you guys can stop watching that Dilfer dude talk every weekend, and actually use that time to call each other on the phone." Ouch. And, true.
In any case
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It's been a pretty awesome 17 years of FunkyPooling, and it was another unique, and excellent, FunkO. We hope to see most/all of you next year (we beseech you, give the new format one chance), and we believe we might be re-stoked by the new format and the return of some old poolsters to get the Weakly Update up on its feet again (as Ellie gets up on hers). We also re-nominate the Central Coast for FunkO2012, and hope with a little extra planning and organization, we can put together something that is both kid-friendly and old school. We also still have 100 cheeseburgers on our tab, and a year to figure out what to do with them.
If anybody else has any details we skipped, or photos to add, please do.
Until then...we leave you with one photo of Franzen and his cheeseburgers...
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