******************************
Kathy opens up "Wathy's House of Spankalicous Food"
Reservations had by 23
******************************
Good evening, and welcome to Chez Dub.  May I tell you our specials this 
evening?  We have several.
    For an appetizer, Chef Kathy has prepared a slaughter of rebellious 
chiefs, diced finely and served on toast points of nine grains -- blue corn, 
barley, rye, chaff, stover, found rice, horse-rolled oats, balsa, and 
fermented teff flown in daily from Ethiopia.
    The chef is also offering a personal favorite, her lightly seared 
superchargers.  Before reaching the pan, these upstarts are tenderized by 
the paddle-fins of the farm-raised Atlantic dolphins found in Kathy's very 
own Aquarium of Domesticity.  They are served in a small pile, and dusted 
with the karma of Junior Seau.
     For the more adventurous, we have a selection of semi-washed Raiders, 
freshly beaten to death and served in an aromatic black hole.
     In addition to our usual salad, our chef offers a tortured raven 
niçoise.  The bird was captured and caged, and then teased to death over a 
three-hour period.  It is then gutted and flattened into a pancake by the 
hooves of the chef's very own steed, served raw on a pillow of its own 
feathers.
    Our special soup tonight is Chef Wathy's "Bowl o' Smack" which is 
extremely rare, and extremely fresh.  She has hand-picked 11 varietals of 
FunkyLovin' and let it simmer all week with uncommonly vibrant spices.  It 
is garnished with shredded semi-retirement and finely-chopped self-pity.
     With your soup and salad, the chef suggests two or three cocktails, and 
not cosmopolitans or candy-assed Martinis but real men?s drinks.   She is 
recommending an interesting Ventura vodka that she distilled in her own 
bathtub; the ?liquor? is chilled into an aspic, spooned into a shot glass, 
then served between the cheeks of her ass.  This is not your sister's 
cider-tini; she calls it her "Fullboatonyourhead-atini" and we recommend
no 
more than one a week.
     Before I tell you about the entrées, there are a few changes to the 
menu: we are out of the pan-fried Dolphin Pride tonight, as our supplier 
retired several weeks ago, again.  We are also regretully lacking in fresh 
fish, which would normally be charred with actual lightning bolts from the 
South Pacific; our supplier's bandwagon crashed into a telephone pole, 
killing or injuring everyone on board.  This is both good and bad news.
     The good news is that in place of the freshly lightning-charred fish, 
we have the 23 sheep that hurtled from the wagon as a result of the crash.  
Kathy has braissed the meat in a pan full of fresh (not canned) whoopass, 
and it is served well-done, on a bed of its own wool.
     For dessert, we have something the chef has made only 11 times in the 
past 9 years--an indication of her festive mood.  She calls it "Weekly Win 
#11."  It is a scoop of raspberry port ice cream plopped lovingly on a warm
cappuchino brownie, placed at the center of your table with no spoons.  You 
can only look.
     Would you like to order now, or do you need a few moments?

In the meantime...

Other news
-----------------------
We had some rare ones in the money this week.  Kurt Schwartz earned money 
for the first time in six weeks; Kathy finished in the money for the first 
time in nine weeks; Ken Vis for the first time in 10 weeks; and Schussel 
made money for the first time all year.  Meanwhile, Eric Emerton finished in 
the Top 6 for the ninth time this season, putting him on pace to tie/break 
Money's very unofficial record of 11 "money finishes in one season."
     In the overall standings, Eric and Mr. Emerton -- as expected -- played 
it close to the vest and held onto their top positions.   Surprisingly, the 
other racecars drove rather conservatively as well.  Is it because they're 
just happy to finish respectably?  Scared to lose their playoff spot?  Or 
think that 50-80 points can be gained once the playoffs start?  No easy 
answers to any of those questions.  As it was, almost everybody (from 2nd to 
21st) finished within 10 points of each other, and there was virtually no 
movement in the overall standings -- happily for the Emertons.
     Tully Wyatt and Dylan Retsek were the most conservative of anybody (the 
only two with fewer than 1000 dots), and made no movement except a little 
bit backwards.  Jason Sullivan took some moderate risks and moved from 9th 
to 7th, perhaps the beginnings of one last rush at the Slate.  Kathy took 
some moderate risks and, in addition to winning the week, pulled 
significantly closer to the playoff line.  Dylan Oliver tried to take 
advantage of his recent three-week rush, attempting a continuation of his 
mad charge -- but crashed and burned, almost finishing in last place for the 
first time in nearly 200 weeks.
      Otherwise, the playoff picture remained the same for the second 
straight week, and looks like it might stay the same unless somebody makes 
an unlikely rush.  Eric Emerton gained 7 points on his father, and now leads 
by 11.


If Only....
--------------
- If the Ravens or Rams had won, Patrick Godsey would've won the week.

- If the Chiefs or Texans had won, SchussDaddy would've won the week.

- If the Cardinals or Jags had won, Kevin Sabbe would've won the week.

- If the Bears had won, Sully would've taken his 13th weekly win.

- If the Raiders had won, KenDoggie would've won the week.  KenDoggie!

- If the Saints, Chargers, Jags, Rams, or Eagles (in OT), or Raiders 
(ironically) had won, DOliver would've finished in last for the first time 
in 194 weeks.



Stats!
----------
- Kathy's weekly win is the 11th she's had in 9 years in the pool, placing 
her sixth on the all-time list.  She now has one more than her fiance does, 
even though she's been in the league for three fewer years.  It is the 34th 
time she has finished in the money, placing her alongside Adam Jennings on 
the all-time list, 10 back from her hubby-to-be.

- Franzen finished last for the 3rd time in 5 weeks, and is now tied with 
Adam Jennings for most all-time basement finishes, even though he's been in 
the league for half as long.

- It has now been 77 weeks since Bill Ellis, current holder of The Slate, 
has won the week.  Adam Jennings is at 72, and Scott Farnsworth is at 71.

- Jason Sullivan finally missed with the Bears.  First time all season.  He 
would've won the week if they had won.
- Several are 13-0 with the Colts or Texans.  Nobody else is undefeated with 
another team

- Eric Emerton did a full rant on how bad the Bills were near the beginning 
of this season.  He is now 12-1 in Bills games.  One reason why he's winning 
this pool.
- Money is 12-1 in Raven games.
- Scott Wyatt is 12-1 in Cardinal games.
- Kurt Schwartz is 12-1 in Giants games.
- Jen Retsek is 24-2 in games with the Bengals or Seahawks.
- Bill Ellis and Robert Hassanali are 12-1 with the Titans.

- Patrick Godsey is 3-10 with the Vikings.
- Chris Sabbe is 10-29 games involving the Broncos, Jaguars, and Redskins.  
1-2 this week.

- Only Kathy and Sullivan went 3-0 in "swing games" this week, and both
finished in the money this week.  Emerton's "swing game" stat continues
to 
show merit, as it has all season.

- Nobody has yet to win a single point by picking San Francisco to win.

- Diane Emerton is 2-12 with her 1-pick.
- Mike Schussel, in last place by 28 points, is 11-3 with his 3-pick.


Picks of the Week
-------------------------
An impressive 5 poolsters nominated Mike Godsey for POW for his solo-shot 
"8" on the Bucs, the first solo-shot in this pool since Week 2.  Solo-shots
used to be documented more closely than they are now, but it seems safe to 
say that Godsey is #2 on the all-time list, second only to Jason Sullivan.  
It's also safe to say that the solo-shots are much more rare than they used 
to be (Emerton once had 5 in one season).  It is the second time this season 
that Godsey has been the only one to pick the correct team, both times with 
the Bucs.   It is only the fouth time a solo-shot has happened all season -- 
Money and Kevin Sabbe both shot with their 1-picks earlier in the season.  
According to the rather incomplete listing, there has only been a solo-shot 
with a pick higher than "8" eight times in the history of the pool.
     Kathy and Patrick were also nominated and honorably mentioned for their 
ability to jump from the Bear Bandwagon and pick the Steelers with 
authority.
     COW went to Sabbe again, for his 15 on the Raiders.  It seems here that 
the blame should fall on Raiders rather than Sabbe (it was the Jets, for 
crying out loud), but that's life.  Almost 10 COWs for Sabbe in his life; no 
POWs.  Godsey was also nominated for his 8 on the Bucs, from a man who 
clearly cannot let a dog rest in peace.  Details within the webpage.


Solo-shots in 2005
-------------------------
Week 1: Godsey, Bucs 4
Week 1: KSabbe, Saints 1
Week 2: Money, Wash 2 (against Cowboys)
Week 14: Godsey, Bucs 8


F it.  Let's do the stats on Solo-shots.
----------------------------------------------------
Two hours of research later, the complete solo-shot stats are now available 
in the record book of the FunkyPool webpage (or as soon as Emerton puts them 
there, which is usually about 4.3 seconds after arrival).

Some highlights and observations:
- Sullivan is indeed leading the pool.  13 times he has been the only one to 
pick the winning team.
- Godsey is indeed the only one close to Sullivan on the list, with 12.
- Schussel has the record for biggest solo-shot, with a pick of 14.  He 
earned 692 dots for the pick.  And still he finished in last place for that 
week.
- Adding to the pile of evidence that this has been a very conservative 
year, 2005 might set the record for fewest solo-shots.  Without Godsey and 
his Bucs, 2005 would have the "record" with ease.
- Before Godsey's pick this week, it had been 12 weeks without a solo-shot, 
a record-long drought.  The previous record was 10 weeks, and that was 
spread across two seasons.

Solo-shots by year:
2005: 4
2004: 10
2003: 9
2002: 5
2001: 5
2000: 11
1999: 10
1998: 7
1997: 11
1996: 10
1995: 10
1994: 14

That's all for now.  We were going to do a "fact or fiction" segment with
John Clayton, but we know your eyes are getting tired, and we don't have a 
picture of a turkey.


Next week!
--------------
LooseCannon Godsey's Bucs at LooseCannon Sully's Pats.  Let's get it on, 
bitch!
Godsey's "hate pick" dozen at Scott's Giants.  Let's get it on, bitch!
Kathy's Broncos at Diane's Bills.  Chick fight! Yes!
Patrick's Chargers at History.
Bill's Packers on national television for the 14th time this season!

And finally...
Adam's Browns at Raider Nation.



*Note.  The primary article of this week's recap was halfway stolen from the 
New Yorker magazine (it's not plagiarism if you admit it).  See Kath, we can 
do both.